(no subject)

[somedaybitch]

you know what? can i get a re-do on this entire fucking day? thanx.

i'm the worst daughter ever. seriously. talking to my mom just takes everything out of me that i have. she's so much bloody work. everything's a conspiracy, everyone's out to get her. half the time it's true, but it's so complicated by how badly she communicates stuff, leaving shit out, not remembering who she told what, that i can't tell half the time. and then she just harps on shit ad nauseum and i find myself left with no patience whatsoever. after a phone call to her, my jaw is killing me.

to wit...the dentist debacle? yeah, it's not done. apparently the dentist says he did the crown work that the appointment was for and billed the insurance, who then billed her. right. so that's insurance fraud. fabulous. she's bitching about it and i'm like, so go to a new dentist for fuck's sake and find out if you really had the work done instead of moaning about what an asshole the guy is. CHECK, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. so, finally she makes an appt, it's for wednesday, except that she's still totally bitching about it even though she doesn't know for sure. "i'm suing him, one way or the other." fine, mom. call an attorney. "he did the work while i was out instead of calling the police???!!! how dare he??!!!" no, mom. he thinks you won't remember and billed his insurance company because apparently he's suddenly an asshole after being your dentist for 15 years. go figure.

i told her i'd call the local pd to get a time of the 9-1-1 call from the dentist's office to help her, but the supervisor's on vacation, so naturally i can't give my mom a fast answer and that pissed her off.

and then of course her back's still jacked up and she needs another surgery, but her gp doesn't think she's strong enough - she told me it was up to her surgeon, and i'm like, but mom, he said it was up to your gp, and she comes back with an angry "how do you know?!", uhm, cuz i took you to the appt? - so you know, more draHma because of the delay. it's got to suck for her, losing her mobility, still not being recovered from the whole heart-stopped thing. i can't fault that and i don't know how i'd handle it were that me. it's the utterly victimized behavior that she insists on engaging in that i can't deal with. i just don't have it.

i wish that i could just suck it all up and call her all the time, and be a sounding board for her, but i just can't. i know myself too well. i don't have the patience for her and she ends up making me so angry and then i snap at her, which, you know, totally defeats the purpose. i wish i could get myself to go out there more but she doesn't just let you off with one thing, it's this thing and that thing and oh i need this done and how come you can't fix that and why can't you take me here, and here, here, here, here, and here, and why aren't you married again and i'd really like a grandchild...and i just don't have the energy. if i let her, she'd use me into the ground. part of me thinks but isn't that what family's for, being there for each other, and the other knows she'd use me if i let her because that's how she is. because that's how it was for her family. since i've put my foot down about doctor's appointments and such, she's had to suck it up and ask her brothers, who have *always* offered but she's refused, because *i'm* the daughter so it's *my* responsibility not anyone else's. to that i say codswallup. their busy isn't any more important than my busy and she can share the wealth. and the kicker? my brother would move his ass back here in a SECOND and take care of her, because nothing would make him feel more useful, but she keeps telling him no. and holyfuck that pisses me off.

so yeah. cranky again. i call a re-do.

i'll be in the corner trying to write fic about angsty spies.

Comments

[simplystars.livejournal.com]

first, *lotsandlotsofhugs*

has your mom's gp done any sort of screening confusion/memory loss/symptoms of alzheimer's, and if not, is it something you can talk to him/her about? because part of what makes her so testy/paranoid/neurotic might be exactly *because* she can't remember who's she told what, or even what she's said, and what's been said to her. :(

i don't know how old your mom is, and if she's always been this way, but i had a great aunt who started suffering from alzheimer's symptoms in her early 50s.

i don't want to put another worry on your plate, though... *hugsyoumore*

[somedaybitch.livejournal.com]

my mom has been like this her entire life. her memory thing has been since larry died, originally because of the meds/grief. she remembers what she chooses to remember and then pretends stupid for the rest because it gets her what she wants, attention.

i tried to tell her to have tests done when the doctors couldn't decide if she'd actually had an allergic reaction to the novocaine at the dentist, or if like Jul's dad said, it had hit a blood vessel and went straight to her heart. because really, wouldn't you want to fucking be sure if you were allergic to novocaine? isn't that kinda important to know? she doesn't want to know. she wants someone else to do it for her. i can't be that someone. i just can't.

i've tried to talk to her about her attention span, to check it if she's that worried; to focus it, to read, to take notes on what she doesn't understand. again, she refused, pitches a fit and says she's stupid, she doesn't speak enough english, whatever bullshit excuse to get me to either do something for her or back off. i can't play her games anymore. if i don't do it for her, she eventually does it for herself. she wants what she had with Larry, someone to do everything for her, think for her, make her decisions for her. i can't be that person.

[thevaliumsofalj.livejournal.com]

::waves hand in sign of the cross:: i second your declaration of a redo

to wit...the dentist debacle? yeah, it's not done. apparently the dentist says he did the crown work that the appointment was for and billed the insurance, who then billed her. right. so that's insurance fraud.

oh, man... he's gonna get in big trouble.

if i let her, she'd use me into the ground. part of me thinks but isn't that what family's for, being there for each other, and the other knows she'd use me if i let her because that's how she is. because that's how it was for her family. since i've put my foot down about doctor's appointments and such, she's had to suck it up and ask her brothers, who have *always* offered but she's refused, because *i'm* the daughter so it's *my* responsibility not anyone else's. to that i say codswallup. their busy isn't any more important than my busy and she can share the wealth. and the kicker? my brother would move his ass back here in a SECOND and take care of her, because nothing would make him feel more useful, but she keeps telling him no. and holyfuck that pisses me off.

None of this means that you're the worst daughter ever... You know what you can and can't do. You know your limits and you give her what you can. I honestly think that it's time that everybody went around her and had a family meeting about collaborating on what she needs, the responsibilities that are involved, and who is available to do what and include your brother in that.

Does this take some the responsibility out of her hands? For a moment, yeah, because she's not as willing to bring in everybody because she's not willing to share with everybody about the needs she has. She's trying to get you to do everything for her, thinking that she'll inconvenience everybody else, but she's allowed to do that to you, and that's not okay. Getting everybody together to negotiate how to collaborate to help her out, it will give her a clear path on who to go with on what. And everybody will get a clear picture on what's really going on with her - because I have a feeling she's not telling everybody about all the needs she has.

[somedaybitch.livejournal.com]

I honestly think that it's time that everybody went around her and had a family meeting about collaborating on what she needs, the responsibilities that are involved, and who is available to do what and include your brother in that.


sorry. i can't do that Julie. and that's what i meant. i won't take that responsibility on. i refuse. i can't handhold the family. i've done it before and it nearly destroyed me. i will never, ever put myself in that place again. ever. not even for her. and she'd let me.

Frank and Johnny talk to her 4 to 5 times a week, every single week. if there were a problem, they'd know it and we'd be having a conversation without her. neither of them's an idiot.

[thevaliumsofalj.livejournal.com]

i've done it before and it nearly destroyed me. i will never, ever put myself in that place again. ever. not even for her. and she'd let me.

::::hugs:::: all you can do is what you're able to do. but, at least let your brother know what the situation is, because it's not fair for him not to know what's going on when he's willing to help.

and another thing - the county might have programs available to help her out at home, now that she's losing mobility. OC has programs and offered help to my g'ma after my aunt's injury, so i have to think that they'd have programs to help her out as well. she just has to solicit them.

[somedaybitch.livejournal.com]

he knows what the situation is, Julie. he talks to her more than i do. everyone talks to her more than i do. that's part of my point. aside from that though, i'm not sure what kind of rational conversation you think i could have with my brother. he refuses to discuss anything that causes him the least bit of emotional difficulty. that leaves the weather, and the price of real estate. and no, i'm not joking. and no, i'm not going to force the issue with him.

and yeah, they [the county]probably do. but again, i'm not doing it for her. see earlier comments re daughter.

[thevaliumsofalj.livejournal.com]

okay

[somedaybitch.livejournal.com]

poor you. trying to be helpful and getting me.;)

[thevaliumsofalj.livejournal.com]

;) all I've got left is ::::::hugs & love:::::::

[somedaybitch.livejournal.com]

it's not an "all". it's an "every". don't ever think otherwise.

[raincitygirl.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. I don't actually have anything useful to suggest, and I can't think of anything supportive and uplifting to say. So I guess I'm just replying to say that I hope things get better. On a positive note, though, it does sound like you've set some ground rules and established some boundaries, which is healthy. I'm not sure how old she is, although I'm assuming past retirement age. Until she has a major chronic illness and either doesn't have the mental capacity or doesn't have the physical stamina, it's her responsibility to to run her own life. Obviously you want to monitor the situation to make sure she's eating enough and is taking her medications, but if she's still living in her own home without a carer, I'm assuming her physical health is good enough that she *could* do all the stuff you mentioned for herself, she just doesn't want to.

So, I think what you're doing here is sensible. You're staying in enough contact that if she did have a major deterioration in her physical or mental health you'd be able to step in and act, but you're not letting her off the hook in terms of needing to take charge of her own life. Now, obviously I don't khnow the situation except from what you've said in this LJ, but from what you've said, it sounds like you're on the right track in terms of balancing your concern for her welfare against your concern that you'll be sucked into a bottomless pit of chauffeuring and secretarying and basically just not having a life beyond caring for her.

And for what it's worth, my aunt went through a similar situation when my grandmother was in her 80's and widowed. My mom's in Canada, my uncles are in the Netherlands, so the only person available for in-person help was my aunt (who was incidentally the only sibling without children, and therefore I think her siblings figured it was easier for her because she didn't have responsibilities to children). After my grandma was widowed, she got very helpless, and her health became frailer, and she utterly refused to go to a sheltered flat or residential home, but was desperately lonely at home. So my aunt (poor woman) ended up renting out her own flat and moving back home, thus necessitating a 90-minute commute each way (far suburb into central London, and no direct train link. Ouch). Originally she just intended to move in for a little while to get my grandma over the hump (I'm pretty sure she rented her flat out on a six-month lease only, because she was expecting to be home again within six months). Went on for four years.

Once she was there, she couldn't leave, and between the commute and her never-ending commitments re: her mother, pretty much ceased to have a social life. And my grandmother wasn't a malignant person, but she was still causing mayhem in her daughter's life, and it probably would've been better all round if she hadn't moved in. Obviously, not an analogous situation precisely, but I guess what I'm saying is that I definitely understand why you're attempting to set these boundaries, and I think it's a good thing to do for your own well-being.

[somedaybitch.livejournal.com]

So my aunt (poor woman) ended up renting out her own flat and moving back home, thus necessitating a 90-minute commute each way (far suburb into central London, and no direct train link. Ouch). Originally she just intended to move in for a little while to get my grandma over the hump (I'm pretty sure she rented her flat out on a six-month lease only, because she was expecting to be home again within six months). Went on for four years.


that would be my mom. i go once a month, she needs twice a month. i go twice a month, she needs once a week. i go once a week and she needs twice a week plus daily phone calls. if i hadn't set some ground rules a loooooong time ago, my mom would call me every day. i can't deal with that. there isn't ANYONE i can talk to every.single.day. i'm too much of a recluse, albeit a social one, dichotomously.

And my grandmother wasn't a malignant person, but she was still causing mayhem in her daughter's life, and it probably would've been better all round if she hadn't moved in.

and my mom isn't either, bless her. if i could actually get her to see what she was doing, she'd be mortified. of course, i can't, but it's not cuz she's being malicious or mean-spirited. she just is who she is...which of course doesn't make it any easier.

[raincitygirl.livejournal.com]

and my mom isn't either, bless her. if i could actually get her to see what she was doing, she'd be mortified. of course, i can't, but it's not cuz she's being malicious or mean-spirited. she just is who she is...which of course doesn't make it any easier.

Are you sure your mom and my grandma aren't related? Yeah, but seriously, having read your replies to other suggestions in this thread, they do sound quite similar. My grandpa was the one who made most of the household decisions, and he organized most of their socializing, so when he died quite suddenly after a short illness, she was catapulted into a life with a lot more independence and decision-making than she was used to. I'm glad for his sake that my grandpa was hale and hearty and out playing golf up until six weeks before he died, because lingering illnesses are no fun, but in a way I think the transition might have been easier on my grandma if he'd been ill for a long time before he died. On the other hand, she might have just leaned even more heavily on my aunt, who would've had a sick father to deal with, and all of her parents' affairs to run. If somebody doesn't want to take responsibility for something, they'll try pretty hard not to.

My other granny is entirely different, and is the kind of elderly person I hope *I'll* be, at least in terms of independence. She's a control freak and she drives everybody nuts (when my sister went on a coach tour of central Europe last summer, my granny flipped out and demanded an exact itinerary complete with hotels, just in case there were an emergency and she *had* to get a hold of my sister. Never mind that the tour company had been around for decades, had a London office, and would probably be able to get hold of my sister in an emergency much more easily than my granny could've, she Needed To Know). However, she's very pro-active in terms of keeping herself busy and not relying on others. Note, I'm not talking physically here so much as mentally. I mean, if someone has arthritis, for example, then obviously their physical activity will be affected, but they don't necessarily have to become a shut-in.

Granny moved to a new town in her late eighties, and promptly set about joining all the local bridge clubs she could find, joined her constituency association, signed up for some society that toured historic homes and gardens in the area, all the usual retiree stuff. She's 92 now, and I don't think she's doing the home and garden tours anymore because it's too much walking, but she's still doing all the other stuff, plus looking after her mentally handicapped brother who's in a nursing home near her. I mean, that's someone who doesn't have the CAPACITY to make his own decisions, rather than choosing not to (lobotomized in the late 1940's. The doctors thought it would cure his combat-related mental illness. Turned out later that cutting out large chunks of people's brains is not the most brilliant medical idea ever conceived. Sigh).

So, yeah, elderly people don't need to be helpless. I think it's a combination of age and personality. If somebody's accustomed to making their own decisions, then becoming more physically frail with age won't turn them clingy and helpless. But if they're not used to it, and don't enjoy having said independence, there may be a significant desire to pass all the decisions onto someone else. I don't know how much of a coincidence it is that my grandma was married for over fifty years when she was widowed while my granny got married for the first time at the age of fifty, by which time she'd spent three decades running her own life by herself. Maybe it's more about personality than when you got married. Maybe my granny would've been spikily independent even if she'd spent over fifty years with one man, and my grandma would've been clingy even if she hadn't. But I do think people tend to seek out situations which play to their comfort levels. i.e. Someone who doesn't like responsibility is likely to be attracted to a spouse who enjoys taking charge, and once that spouse is gone, look for the next nearest person to take over looking after the boring stuff. Such as, say, a grown-up daughter. Good thing you're setting some limits.

[wishkey.livejournal.com]

Passes you (your choice, Starbucks or vodka) and offers a way-understanding hug

[somedaybitch.livejournal.com]

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. you're the bestest.

[arthurfrdent.livejournal.com]

::thinks about the whole mother/daughter thing...:: I have no prayer for that. *sits beside and takes your hand* funny old thing, life...

[somedaybitch.livejournal.com]

:::leans head on your shoulder:::

[itsazoo.livejournal.com]

And I thought my mom was clingy. I just let the phone pick up, but since I got angry at her for waking me up at 1am to take her to the ER ("I didn't want to bother the EMTs") she has begun calling my brothers. She called John at 2am because he gets up at 0430 and she knew I had just gotten to bed at 0100. So, yay, progress there. AND, she hired a nanny for herself ("Nannies for Grannies") who comes once a week and does laundry etc. I took such emotional care of her when I was younger, I don't want to do anything at all for her now. {{{hugsforyou}}}

[somedaybitch.livejournal.com]

duuuuuuude. yes, exactly.

{{{{{{{hugsyouback}}}}}}}}

[pualaridesagain.livejournal.com]

...and thats perfectly acceptable. You're entitled to your own life.
From a hard ass point of view, the only job your mom had was to raise you to maturity, you don't owe her anything. No guilt, no im-a-bad-daughter, nothing.

being yourself is being the best daughter you can be. Also, the word daughter is not latin for 'hand maiden'. I think your brother should just move back and yell 'surprise'!

all that shit that your mom is trying to inflict is breaking your love, and your heart, and thats a bad, bad thing.

(((((((hugs, booze, ammo))))))

[somedaybitch.livejournal.com]

{{{{{{{{{backatyababywithextraforyourmom}}}}}}